Bolding the brave. Like a mom. #shakylegs
As a stay at home Mom it’s obvious to say that a lot of my time is spent with our daughter. A lot of that time is at home, or doing general errands. There are days out here and there, quite a few to be honest and holidays too.
The adventures we have are mainly family based and wonderful and are some of my favourite things to do. Even if that is sometimes wrangling an over tired toddler through a ancient National Trust property and taking it in turns with my husband to ‘look at stuff’, all in the vain hope that the day ends with a cream tea. I honestly love those days. Family days. It feels fun, it’s feels warm, it feels great.
Before kids, heck before boyfriends/husbands- I was a loner. Now not in the sense of not having mates and going out, heck I did that a lot. No- I mean I loved my own company. (Keep it clean folks! Dirty beggars) I loved nothing more than to put in my ear phones, blast some tunes and strut around a new town just mooching. I went on mini breaks on my own and loved every minute. Nothing fazed me. Not trains, buses (former none driver until I was 25 here) nope, I was always up for a bit of an adventure. Loved it.
I was also the woman who never rushed to be in a relationship because she felt scared to be alone. In fact I loved time alone. I was always the woman who was never scared of standing out. Holding my head up high. Some may even say strut. Carrie Bradshaw wannabe through and through.
Now roll it forward to now, as I sit on a train on a mini adventure that is not really an adventure but feels it, writing this – legs shaking a tad, feeling a teeny bit unsure of things- and I’m wondering what happened to me? To this former confident loner. Well obviously I had a baby, that’s the big one.
But what happened to my confidence? Now don’t get the impression I am a retiring violet who has no confidence, I am far from that. Externally. Well internally too. But something’s definitely changed in the last few years. Things that are really not that big of a deal feel like a big deal. Not enough to stop me doing things, but enough to give me this butterfly/shaky leg feeling.
What I put it down to is this not feeling familiar anymore. The adventures and alone time used to be the norm. Whether it was catching the bus to work or going away to London for a weekend on my own. It was what I did a lot.
Now my time is never really my own. And I don’t mean that in a ‘oh poor me’ type way. As obviously I wouldn’t change it for the world (don’t you hate that we HAVE to say that whenever we say anything that may have people perceive otherwise?)- but I wouldn’t. But when you have a child, your time and mind is with your kiddo most of the time. I’m a SAHM (HATE that phrase!!) so I am with our daughter for most of my time. I do get time alone, off course, my hubby is brilliant- but I don’t really do the ‘adventure’ stuff.
I’m realising now I’m calling going into Birmingham to an event on my own an ‘adventure’ which let’s be fair it isn’t a trek around Nepal is it. But you get my drift.
So- like I said- this isn’t the norm for me anymore. I used to get trains and buses to work and now I don’t work. I don’t do this anymore. I don’t put my earphones in and walk around with gusto anymore. Everything I tend to do is a bit more closer to home or done as a family.
And it makes me nervous. Not because I’m scared or can’t fathom how to find my train etc- but nervous that I have lost a part of myself that used to make up a large part of who I was. And I know motherhood does that (again- wouldn’t change – you get it.) but it scares me to think this side of me that used to feel so right to me, is now making me leg shaky and anxious. Crazy huh.
So what am I to do? Tell my hubby I’m off to London for a week alone to ‘find myself’? Erm nope. Put my earphones in for our weekly Lidl shop and strut around like the child free person I was all while my toddler sits in the trolley (not on the seat- IN the trolley) and stomps on our bread and tomatoes? Again – No.
Accept this is who I am for the moment? This person with the shaky legs and funny feeling in her tummy is what being a mother has made me in certain situations.
Well my dear blog readers- I choose no. No to that shit.
Yes I am a Mom. Yes my time is spent different but this Momma needs some adventure. Something to make me feel a touch of that old me. Because I want my daughter to see me, know me – all of me and aspire to have the same adventures I did. To live. I want her to know alone time is ok, fantastic even. I want her to hold her head up high and hell I want her to strut.
I want her to know the Woman who made me the Mom I am today. The woman who feels great when she’s alone and the Mom who loves family times. I want her to know, and learn from all of me. The whole shebang!
So I’m taking trips. Like today. Like in a few weeks when I’m going to London for the afternoon/evening for a Q&A for Giovanna Fletcher and The Unmumsy Mum (can’t bloody wait!) alone. Like planning nights out with friends where we stay overnight. Like reminding myself I need some hours a week, every week preferably alone.
Even if that is to strut around Lidl.
I need to force myself away from the nervous me and get a inch, just an inch of the me who loves to be alone, who loves adventures back.
And I’m gonna do it. Brave those shaky legs an all’
Lady Like Momma