As I sit on our bed trying to catch my breath through a shower of tears, some may find it weird I choose to pick up my iPad and type. But for me, this is my therapy, my ‘pouring my soul type stuff’…and who knows if it will ever get published or read by anyone other than myself. But it just feels like what I need to do.
Grief. It’s sucks. I’m talking about real grief. Not that any grief is not valid and please don’t misconstrued my words and meaning there. Everyone is entitled to there feelings, God knows I have had many of feelings. What I mean by real grief is the feeling of losing someone close to you. We can all feel sad and devastated when a celebrity or person of admiration passes away, or when we see terrible things happening on the news. We also can feel awful when we hear old friends passing away or distant relatives. I have lost both my grandparents, whom I was deeply close with, and it cut me like a knife. I still have those teary moments now where I think of them fondly or when my mind yearns for them to know our daughter. It’s shite. Terrible and so sad. But it’s not like this.
This is gut wrenching, can’t catch you breath, overtakes your soul, can’t see through the sadness let alone the day type sadness. The type of sadness that you deal with and deal with and then in that one moment- BAMN. It gets you. You double over. You can’t breath and you cry ugly huge tears. And no, not the movie esque ugly tears we are so readily shown as the appitomy of grief- I mean the you need to take a shower or wash your face type tears because all hope of looking good or feeling good after that cry session is a no go.
I’ve never felt anything like it before, and I hope not too again. I case you do not know, I lost my Mother, no my Mom, she was my Mom- I never called her Mother, a few months ago. 3 months and 4 days ago as I write this. She was my very best friend. And I’ve never felt so lost in my entire life.
It strange really, the feeling so lost part, as I am very clear in the fact that I know life is for the living and to, truly embrace life and the moments now. I’ve always had that thought but something about losing someone so dear to you highlights it. I’m clear in the idea to not stress and to enjoy it all. But equally I don’t want to. I don’t want to enjoy it without her. Without being able to pick up the phone and tell her about it. I’m gonna be real, I’m sobbing again. Not quite the ‘strong woman dealing with it so well’ that people tell me I am.
But yeah, lost. Totally lost. Lost without her and lost in my own mind. Think about it for a moment- on the most part we have never known a world without our Moms. I haven’t at least. She has been around since I was created. And now, just like that- she’s gone. I mean really- how the fuck is anyone supposed to deal with that? I have no idea.
I think truthfully that you don’t ‘deal with it’. I think you just live your life. You just go day to day and hour to hour, doing the mundane and coping with the shit moments. You smile with friends and family and laugh over fond memories. You clean your house, book holidays, buy clothes, go out for meals and you live. And it’s not till you have those alone moments, or the times you glance at their picture, or you see their number in your phone, that it hits you. Like a ton of mother fucking bricks. Really. It feels like a huge slab of concrete sadness has been thrown on your shoulders. You crumble. Sometimes literally. I’ve crumbled, unable to hold myself up as I sob, falling to the floor clutching a photo. Now I read that back it sounds dramatic, and almost made up. Like I’ve fabricated that for the purpose of making this ramble more emotive. But it’s true. I have physically fallen to my knees with grief. I’m sure many have. I’ve also found myself breathless, like can’t get my breath reach for the inhaler, doubled over type breathlessness. And that sucks. I can’t imagine what it’s like to see your partner etc in that state. My husband does a good job of instantly knowing if I need a ‘hold you super tights type hug’ or to be left alone. It must be so hard to see.
And after those moments, what do you do? You go make a cup of tea/do the washing up/go to Lidl/ read a blogpost/ watch the Hotel Inspector- you live. Normal life. Until next time. And the next.
And I imagine as time passes it will get less frequent, but still as intense. I’m lucky in the fact we have a toddler girl who’s just 2! (Crickey!!), and I am so thankful for that as she makes me have normality. Even on the days when I don’t want normality. She brings a routine, a job, a role, a busyness that I need to survive this at the moment.
When she is older I will tell her how she saved me. She saved me from the darkest moment of my life so far. (Sobbing again). If it wasn’t for her I would have days where I stayed in bed and didn’t move. Didn’t leave the house, didn’t stop staring at pictures or just into thin air. She’s my saviour. And for that, I will always be beyond grateful. The best part is, she’s my saviour and she doesn’t even know it.
I’ve been asking myself if I’m depressed, or falling that way. The answer is I don’t think so. I may choose to talk to someone at a later date to process some things but at this moment I am ok. Well not ok, but ok if you get my drift. Funny that- people ask how I am and I say “I’m ok.” When really I’m not, I mean I can go on with life, and have happy moments, but I’m devastated clearly. So yeah- I think that means I’m ok.
I’m not quite sure why I wrote this, I think I just needed to put pen to paper, or more like fingers to iPad notes about my feelings in that moment. Because I was just getting on my with day, reading a blog post from a Youtuber and I sat on out bed thinking now I should make a cuppa and put the laundry away. And then wondering if I dare let our toddler nap after 5pm and I then decided to read a poem I had posted online, alongside a blog post about my Mom passing away and something said – ‘Ohhhh. Let’s be sad now’ in my head and I was in a ball crying. And subsequently I have black eyes and a sea of tissues surrounding me. And now I feel a bit better, now I’ve wrote my feelings down.
I’ve seriously thought about starting a journal to document my feelings through this but I don’t want it to be my last thoughts as I go to bed as that won’t help with my new found shit sleep cycle I’m going through. But we shall see. Maybe I’ll do a grief series.. What fun that sounds… Perhaps not.
But I will say this to end. Anyone going through grief, loss of a loved one etc ….. I’m sending you LOVE. I’m not going to ask how you are, or tell you that your doing well, or ask if your ok? Even though I know those comments would be received gratefully and the people who say them are so well meaning and lovely. But no, I won’t say them. I will say – LOVE. To know I’m sending you some love and urge you just to take it. Take love from life and anything you can, whether that’s family, your husband or a dog. Just take some love.
It’s truly the shittiest time in my life ever. And there is no feeling of ‘times a healer’ or ‘treasure the moments you had’, both of which I know are true. It’s just pure, vile, inhumane shite grief. And perhaps it will make me stronger as a person, in fact I’m sure it will. But let’s be fair, anyone who’s lost anyone doesn’t give a crap about that.
You just want them back. And no, not just for an hour or a day, you want them back permanently.
But what can you do? Nothing. Just try and heal. And maybe for me that’s writing. Well, scrap that as I know it is. So yeah, that’s it’s. Not a giant hugely built up positive ending- no, just reality.
But for now, this hour, this minute, after that moment, after this – I’m ok.