Mothers Day without Mom. Nearly 1 year on.
This is something I don’t want to write but equally cannot stop thinking about writing. It feels like its something that I should say, something I should put to paper, a document of my feelings at this time or something like that.
As the title says this is Mothers Day without my Mom. My first Mothers Day without her. Its also happens that this year Mothers Day falls the day before the 1 year anniversary of her death. Great timing 2017.
I feel a bit strange about it all, part of me wants to run away from it all and just pay no thought to it, even though as a Mom myself that isn’t possible as its Mothers Day for me too. Yet the other part of me wants to write this, take a moment to say a prayer, a poem, just speak to her, to embrace how much I miss her. That’s what grief does I think, around these monumental moments- Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries etc- it makes you stop in your tracks and realise that fuck, this is really hard.
I go day to day living my life and enjoying life. Being a Mom and a wife, a friend, niece, a dog owner. I live my life and get on with it. Yes there are sad moments, a song on the radio, looking a picture- the usual suspects. But on the whole you function, well I try to. Lets call it functioning grief. Like functioning anxiety I suppose but with grief. You still feel the pain and sadness all the time, but you live life and you are happy with so many things in your life.
When people talke to me about how I’m feeling around the subject I, 9 times out of 10, hold in my true thoughts and feelings. The wanting to scream at the world that your broken and deeply sad, the wanting to burst out crying at the sound of your lost ones name being said. I hold it in, and I think a lot of people do. Because grief isn’t a sadness like when you have a bad day, you know the days where everything goes wrong and you just want to go home and have a bath and a bar of Galaxy and then you’ll feel 100% better. No grief is a awe consuming- ‘this shit doesn’t go away’ type feeling. Because that person isn’t coming back. So as crazy as it may sound, sometimes holding it in, sucking it up almost, blinking away tears, is sometimes a protection for yourself. Protecting yourself from making that day all about tears as you know that tomorrow that same feeling of sadness and grief will be there.
But back to Mothers Day. Its all around us isn’t it? Its hard for me to hate the sight of displays of mothers day presents and cards and balloons and roses lining the isles of every shop I enter, or equally depicted in every company email I get, because I am the seasons/event girl. I love all that tat, the stuff, the cliché ‘consumerism based stuff’ we should hate – I love it. Life;s too short not to enjoy and celebrate the little things. I’ve always thought that. So for me now to internally flip off the display of Mothers Day teddy bears is a weird feeling. But quite honestly, its crushing to see. Crushing for me as a daughter who would spoil my Mom (quite rightly) on mothers day and crushing for me a mother as I yearn to be buying that cute teddy for our daughter to give my Mom on Mothers Day. But it will come around every year so you just have to zone out, at least that’s what I try to do. I shall buy a card or write something, maybe make a card for her with our daughter, yet I know that will be tough.
For the day we will be away, a purpose planned trip of distraction and family adventures. I’m hoping for the day to be just about me, as bad as that sounds. I want to focus on our gorgeous little lady and how she’s now more aware of gifts and love for people. For me- her Momma. I know there will be sadness in there, and no doubt a lot of it- but it’s just something you have to push through.
The anniversary of her death (I hate to write that, fucking hate it.) will be tough too. Its a day that will bring back memories of that day, a day that shocked us all. A day that I would never ever want to live again or wish on my worst enemy. It’s so hard to even remember it and to even comtemplate that it was a year ago. As I type this I can barely see the screen through tears but push on I will. I am going to try not to think of that day, but instead to think of her, and us. Distraction will be my friend that day.
I wanted to finish this by saying what I miss about my Mom apart from every. damn. thing.
Its funny as you think you will miss the big occasions and the holidays and grand things the most but you really don’t. You miss the silly things. The shopping sessions and the late night chats on my couch. The way she lit up when she saw our daughter. Hearing our daughter say Nana. I miss being able to send her pictures of things I have brought and going around ikea with her. I miss her being by my side. me holding her arm. I miss sending her photos of our daughter looking cute. I miss introducing her to new shows and our excitement at the start of a new series of our fave shows (House of DVF ey Mom?!). I miss her laugh and her endless positivity towards me. I miss talking to her about make up and candles and the mundane shit that means nothing in the grand scheme of it but equally talking to her about it means and meant the world me. I miss buying her things. I miss the chats I use to see her having with my husband, her son in law. I miss her sewing alteration skills and how she could turn a £2 bunch of flowers into something that should be in the lobby of a posh London hotel. I miss her kindness, her sweet heart and I just miss her.
This is so hard to write because even after nearly year I am so deeply broken. A part of me knows I will always be broken. I know she is a part of me and I am a part of her and I know she’s watching down on me. I know she hears me and I talk to her a lot. I know shes in my dreams regularly and I know she will always be my Mom. I know all that. I really do.
I’m just so sad.
But I don’t want to end on that. I want to tell the world that when you hear people say ‘hug your parents’, ‘spoil your mom’ or ‘cherish them’- its true, but you cant really live like that, purposely trying to make every moment special. But what I want to say is just make memories. Even the tiny moments, the insignificant at the time type things are memories to cherish. Also don’t wait. Don’t wait to tell that person you love them, to take them on special day out, give them the gift..I recently found a flower pot made by my daughter and I (ok mainly me) that was for my Mom for Easter last year as she loved flowers deeply, she was an amazing Florist, but you cannot take flowers into hospital anymore. So we made this fake flower thing to give to her, and I saved it to give it her on Easter from us both, but she very sadly passed away on Easter Sunday last year. So don’t wait to do those special things, not for any other reason than it will bring a smile to all.
A Memory to end on- Do you remember this Mom?
We were at the church putting flowers on my Nan and Grandads grave and we were walking up the path and a bee or a wasp, think it was a bee, started to harras me. Now I’ve never been stung by a bee (dragonfly yes- bee/wasp -no.) so I was dancing around and you were flapping it away and it went. Yes- It went down my dress. So this bee is flying around my stomach and I decide to lift my dress in broad daylight up to my neck to get this bee out. Because you know its a bee! Only for a group of older men and women (I should mention this church is in a rather hooty area) to trot around the corner at that moment, causing me to quickly yank my dress down and compose myself while they chatted to Mom and me. All while knowing they saw my tights and spanx pants- ala Bridget Jones…. I always remember how funny it was and how much of a ‘it only happens to me’ type moment it was.
A little moment not to be forgeotten ey Mom….
Mom- Every moment with you meant and means the world to me. Always in my heart. Happy Mothers Day. Miss you beyond words. Love you millions.